how i feel

!

the sorrow of love

The quarrel of the sparrows in the eaves,
The full round moon and the star-laden sky,
And the loud song of the ever-singing leaves,
Had hid away earth's old and weary cry.

And then you came with those red mournful lips,
And with you came the whole of the world's tears,
And all the sorrows of her labouring ships,
And all the burden of her myriad years.

And now the sparrows warring in the eaves,
The curd-pale moon, the white stars in the sky,
And the loud chaunting of the unquiet leaves
Are shaken with earth's old and weary cry.



w.b. yeats

"Awful atoll
O, incalculable indiscreetness and sorrow
Bawl, bellow:
Sibyl sea-cow, all done up in a bow

Toddle and roll;
Teeth an impalpable bit of leather
While yarrow, heather and hollyhock
Awkwardly molt along the shore"

I just

theres a time and place for others but a time and place for being alone

My life is full of renegades

edit
Today I used my brother's computer and went onto omegle video and one of the strangers said
"Your hair
is nice"

feeling like frodo

Missing things so much it's like almost regretting them ever happening

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on? And in your heart you begin to understand; there is no going back. There are some things that time cannot mend some hurts that go too deep that've taken hold."

I almost admire the ones who can forget people and situations
just like that

i like poetry
Poetree

today is the second time i've spent three hours on an essay. I like writing essays but I put too much effort into them. Maybe the blaring joanna newsom distracted me

apples

I feel sad and very very alone and my memories taste like blood in my throat, dry and bitter and a hollow sorrow heart made of rotting wood. Maybe that's why I've been drinking sweet tea to the point where my tongue is literally saccharine. Physical habits don't cure emotions, emily, naïve naïve naïve

"Each phantom limb lost"

topsy turvy

"Hummingbird
just let me die"

sweet and full of someone else's flowers

listening to the wnyc radiolab podcast and getting my things together for tomorrow. looking forward to the rain

Tired of being me

i like packaged sunflower seeds because theyre good to eat when i'm angry or depressed and i can open them, leave them sitting and then a month later eat them and they'll still be crunchy and delicious

some people just upset me without trying

What do you do when...

Todd: A sweaty toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain!
Keating: Oh, that's excellent! Now make him do something!
Todd: His hands reach out and choke me!
Keating: That's it! That's wonderful! Wonderful!
Todd:And all the time he's mumbling.
Keating: What's he mumbling?
Todd: Mumbling truth!
Keating: Yes, yes?
Todd: Truth like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold!
Keating: Forget them, forget them! Stay with the blanket! Tell me about that blanket!
Todd: You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream.
Dead Poets Society

And on that note I always think what if the reflections and the uncountable pictures of us are just not actually how we look at all but just what we think we look like. You could be anything or anyone else or any number of people and you'll never know what you truely look like. It's kind of like the real life thought about the distance between your perception and their perception and how only you and your solipcism matters. You know the lines and the bumps and the softness and where it tickles and hurts and intricately few people will ever know those things who aren't you. It's kind of like a nightmare now that I think of it that I might only think I look this way but not at all at the same time because the way you see yourself is the way you are. You can't trust the opinions of others so why would you listen to someone tell you who you are? So if your delicious and rotten view of yourself is something physically different and we never see the opposite of ourselves the way everyone else does that's just exactly the way it is now.
I always have thoughts then when I really think or wrote them I realize that there are loop holes every where. Loopholes where sticky truth drips like honey

just now i picked up my glass of plain water (at first i typed plain waiter) by the rim of the glass and stood in front of a full length mirror and thought about how different i feel when i look at myself and i'm not wearing my glasses versus when i'm looking at myself with my glasses on. i only wear them when i have to see something far away, excluding my reflection, so after i updated my lenses after five months of not being able to see 20/20 i feel like i don't see myself the way that everyone else does. because i look at myself in the mirror and think things but then i put on my glasses and realize oh, wait, nothing has changed, or just "no"
sometimes there's just nothing you can say
sometimes there's just nothing

people who live with cats

i love how when you have a pet cat/cats in your house and they have their own seperate plans and you have your own seperate plans and you walk through rooms in the house carrying your plans out and they too and sometimes you walk into a room and a cat is sleeping in there

emily

Where could she be

relax your aching bones

I've had this list going for a while. It used to be longer.
b o o k s t o r e a d
OR;
b o o k s a l r e a d y r e a d , b u t t o buy:

Lunaception
Life as we don't know it
Memoirs of food at gipsy house
Death in venice
A lover's discourse
Oxford companion to wine
Candy
No country for old men
To the white sea
My uncle oswald
Peter pan
Gilead
The thousand autumns of jacob de zoet
Cloud atlas
The unbearable lightness of being
England have my bones
The white tiger
The willoughbys
O Pioneers!
Wind, sand, and stars (exupery)
The count of monte cristo
The diving bell and the butterfly
Mason and dixon
rue mclanahans autobiography
Esterhazy: the rabbit prince
The omnivores dilemma
the virgin suicides
kornwolf
pale blue dot
Little pig robinson
New Russian English Dictionary
Slaughterhouse five
Patterns from nature
Both ways is the only way I want it
I capture the castle
Across the river and into the trees
The winding stair and other poems
Huck finn
Doctor zhivago
14,000 things to be happy about
The blind assassin
the shadow of the wind
here there be dragons
Gormenghast series:
1. Titus groan
2. Gormenghast
3. Titus alone (the overlook press edition)
Boy in darkness
the lemming condition
20,000 leagues under the sea
Ficciones (jorge luis borges)
100 years of solitude
Oryx and crake

semper

i miss vibrant
and golden dawn

i just realized that it takes a really long time for certain things to impact their importance
and then you realize that's why your hair has been fallin out
why you didn't feel good until now
how the tree finally fell
pssst
p.s.
i have a cold

people are very intricate and confusing and they make me angry and ALL SORTS OF OTHER THINGS
clocks
I'M ANGRY

you take my breath away

i have been wearing the same thing for weeks and i never wash my clothes because i wear the same things all the time and if i wash them then i wont know what to do. i have a closet full of clothes but this pair of boxers and maybe three shirts are all i feel remotely comfortable in. not just even physically comfortable but mentally which seems a little bit backwards. boxers with black shirt and penny loafers very practical for summer and staying up until four in the morning and stepping outside to actually feel the temperature. and another thing is that its been 90s and 100s and if it hasn't, it has been humid beyond comprehension and all ive been eating is eggs toast tofu cereal and hot milky tea. i need to get on my bike and sweat. i wish my sleeping patterns werent so out of whack because napping from 8:3o am to almost 5 in the evening is getting a little dis heartening. I'M SICK OF EVERYTHING

"it's easy to forget where you came from if there's no question of your return such selfishnesses trivialize any tenderness as the coffee commands the torture of my bowels such selfishnesses such selfishnesses pronouncing every word with a rigid insensitivity plus i struggle with the nightshade in my blood

i really shouldnt say it

i really shouldnt say it but i just love what the water does"

CAMBRIDGE

strange day

seinfeld

Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Kramer: Am i? or am i so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: Impossible!
Kramer: Is it? or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be!
Kramer: Can't it? or is your entire world just crashing down all around you!
Jerry: Alright, that's enough!

where are you hiding?

i feel like this:

"cheers to the nerve it takes to forget who we are"

sing to self

"i have nothing to worry about"

sh
making a small gift for bridges

tearful

i love when i see a picture or a bit of old conversation or just think about something that at one time you knew nothing about and it was just a new experience/person in your life and at the time you never knew how that picture you took or that person would become a whole new part of you and at the time you knew nothing about anything, and then today looking back you think "i was so unaware of how this would affect me right now". it really kind of gives me hope that when i'm afraid something won't work out, maybe it will. i don't even just notice it in my own self

catcher

which is just weird. eating burnt popcorn

my brother just said "dad, can you help me with this? i don't know how to do it. is it easy?"

you didn't have to laugh that way

i want to twist to radio sweetheart.

Salesman: This is our best model. The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. it's like.. you're almost glad to be handicapped.

"We may meet again before all is over, and then again of course we may not. that depends on your luck and on your courage and sense; and i am sending mr. baggins with you."

gandalf. now's the time for more costello, seinfeld and cambridge tea.

pack up your sorrows and give them all to me

i love life and all its laws and littles and tribulations and the possible things and outcomes and fate and i'm so excited to take physics and really learn it rather than reading physics books and trying to understand but really just ambling along. going to the beach tomorrow; today with my mom to her friend's house to drop wine off and she let me borrow some books including a HUGE book of pictures of native american indians but i was most excited to visit her cat mehitabel, who is a tiny calico who looks like she swallowed a volley ball, and played with her and admired the sky which was a nice periwinkle color, like hydrangeas. it's a three quarters waxing moon now, now i know that is improper but understood! i really want to get like a book on clouds and weather patterns. maybe i can just talk to my brother. lion's pride

listening to joanna and nick drake, and mimi and richard farina. CUTIES

me: i found out what the song on the at&t commercial was.

dad: yeah, it's nick drake.

me: you knew? i didn't ask you because i knew you wouldn't know!

dad: i knew! it's like the laws of physics. you didn't ask me, and i knew, but if you did ask me i wouldn't have known.

me: that isn't physics

dad: maybe it was murphy's law. it's some law, i know it is.

a skeleton earring and a moon i made

vwvwvwvw

listened to maps by the yeah yeah yeahs, havent heard that song in a while. some other things: i used a needle for a toothpick, and i bobby pinned my skirt in the middle to make shorts and i like it all much better now. and other usual things: took too many pictures of myself today, tried to eat green pesto rice, and painted my left hand nails black and the right hand nails red. basically i am a deck of cards. wouldn't that be great? or if i was a folly. a living folly
seeing de pew tomorrow. hello fleet foxes

stranger in a strange land

i want to know if there really is a point where some one just gives up on every thing. the point where, like the lemmings, they run and run until they reach the edge of the cliff by the ocean and just leap off of it. like that photograph by yves klein where he's just falling into the street and looks completely guilt and burden-free. there must be people who feel like that, like they just really do not care about anything, either that, or they just care about everything

ete

i love dogs

migration to a town where trees swallow houses

i feel like i'm going to start hyperventilating and crying again any second WHAT IS GOING ON

Then turning from them, reverent,
"their bed time it is", she said
"the bumblebees will wake them
when april woods are red."

emily dickinson

i would like to reach out my hand

SO I DID IT SUE ME! things i miss times like tonight. not in any chronological order, though i love timelines. what i remember is, "you know what they say about the young". when she called me from the concert so i could hear sleeping lessons and i cried.

listening to django

s ; t ; u ; p ; i ; d ;

i cant/stand/people who lose/their/heads

you lost/your/head

you lost it

typewriter tip tip tip tip tip tip tip tip

yesterday was a really reassuring day, it was just like the same day i had on ALMOST the same exact date last year, except i wasn't in 95% purple, and there was a slight difference in location and those present but it was essentially the same and the same people and it was really happy and nice. i got a call from alex julia apres lecole when i was reading Anna Karenina with popcorn outside and ten minutes later got on my bike. this morning i woke up pretty early after an odd, suggestive dream, and then i fell asleep and another completely different but also suggestive dream. the first dream took place in a very bright clear day and in the second it was always black and raining. these past 24 hours have been good ones, and i love having so many plans/addresses that i have to write them all down. my goal of 30 pages a day for Anna has not been completely filled, but i think it is a-okay. i still listen to good intentions paving company too much for my own good, though :c ive been thinking a lot about the man who tried to make the happiness machine in dandelion wine. also: when one person is consistently present in dreams, what does that mean?!

"official bombay, bone and boat saturday"
listening to regina spektor, the gories, pogo and of course joanna

zach condon's voice makes me really just upset. that reminds me:

"Like a good coffee, these Titanian dunes are dark and rich."

"somewhere in time a child is convinced that his little fingers and his face between them are rays from the sun there for everyone to fight off the night"

do you ever have those days where you don't really use a cell phone or a television or computer or whatever the fuck everyone uses and you do things outside and you might be a little dirty and it's sunny and you do other things like read or feed the pets or go grocery shopping or make a painting and feel "okay" about it or mend a small rip in some shorts and the day feels a lot more full even if you might go to bed twice as earlier, and then while you're in bed (earlier) you start to think about how empty some days are and how full this one day is and then you think about why that is? and how you went to bed earlier because the day was done and you could feel the finish drying with sleep?

another feeling, i always know it is summer when i come home and i walk up the stairs and i can feel the heat everywhere on me. as we r i s e like bread. and so you see, i have to laugh. it's sort of funny when i look back at old pictures of myself from weeks or months ago and then i think "my gosh my bangs were short" or something else about how different i looked and how i didn't see so until that moment, and in the moment the photo captured how i didn't see that i was different from even longer before, or up to that present time. SO UNAWARE. to laugh, sometimes, quelquefois, when my peau must have been slightly colder

(today was a fairly empty day, but i did discover in a new tea length dress i have, the inside hem is stitched with lace; the inside hem, so it's just like a secret) "denying his poetry to the public is his way of getting back at the world"

full stomach

HOLD IT;

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x

it seems the quietest at first. it always feels so much quieter than it really is

"weary memory"

birthday card for dad. drinking hot earl grey with milk and brown sugar and then
off to s l e e p, to s e a


"like heath that, in the wilderness,
the wild wind whirls away."
want
edit: did beck get the idea for the name of his album Sea Change from ernest hemingway's short story, with that same title?