30 January 2011

it was pity that stayed bilbo's hand

really desirous of a spicy avocado and boiled egg sandwich on some toast. the day has been an unhappy ocean of ups and downs. whereas normally they are more along the lines of "the calm before the storm", even though it's mostly just the calm, and never the storm. i've been thinking, if someone ever gave me a cake or something with "sorry" spelled out on it i would probably step on it or force feed it to them. whoever in their right mind thinks that that is an apology? granted, if a six year old accidentally spilled a drink on one of my articles of clothing and baked me a cake with sorry on it, i would accept it. but anyone who isnt in that situation is just a fucking wimp. maybe i have this animosity towards apology cakes because i've never recieved one and i don't truely know what it is like. but i think i have a pretty good idea of how i'd feel if i got one, which is something along the lines of, "worse than i already feel" coupled with a sarcastic thank you. i also feel like, now, that there are tons (aka a few) people who will read this and think "what a horse's ass". in response all i have to say is, these are the ones soft as an avocado.
my pessimism has really earned quite a few more notches it seems, even though i am feeling relatively pleasant, because i hung up my clothes finally. i have also adopted yet another new habit for using an adjective and making it plural to describe a group of something, usually people. a bad habit are generalizations. however, i still wouldnt mind that sandwich

26 January 2011


Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantenment
it is as perennial as the grass.

23 January 2011

9:o1 pm. going to sleep and hopefully waking up in the morning with all this clay and hurt filling me now gone with the wind

12 January 2011

"i'm going out because i deserve to go out and i'm going to get drunk because i deserve to get drunk, and get out of my way!"

11 January 2011


i have adopted a new strange habit where i pull my bottom eyelids down and hold them while i'm reading or waiting for something or on the computer, so that they get dry and watery and then i blink a little and do it again. sustaining the unsustainable

feeling like sandy bates

09 January 2011

"i would fain die a dry death."

It is so easy for me to muse on my day, feelings or memories on the computer but with a pen in hand the experience is a very different one. regardless i have some things to say tonight. the process of getting to know someone and developing a relationship worthy of a timeline is enlightening, in positive and negative ways. lately i have felt very certain of who i am happy to have in my life and about who i am glad isn't in my life anymore. unfortunately the process that everyone goes through to acheive this good feeling leaves me with the sensation of walking through headwind in the cold and the wind gets in your eyes and the tears jump out. but i am past this and have entered the sensation of the warm home. i have yet to truely discover what it feels like of someone to enter my life and then exit it but then re enter it. the re entering is what has eluded me, surely this has happened but looking back the people who come back never really left me. but the people who i consider "gone" right now, if they came back it would definitely be a new experience, and i don't know if i want this to happen, but if eventually it does, (and i'm sure at one point or another it will) well i guess that will be where fate has taken them.
thousand purple cups of wine
i have been spending a lot of time alone which i usually consider a good thing because my life is not filled with trimmings that i have not chosen, which last year my life was full of them. and to have finally sloughed the last of it off is terribly relieving. But despite my strengthened spirit, i do feel alone. i do have feelings
i love this girl

05 January 2011

these pictures remind me that i

"am i so dear? do i run rare?"

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