bawl bellow

it was unusually gray today. the grey sky is nice in the fall and winter for me, because when the sky is blue and sunny it feels a little like the cosmos are teasing me; it's sunny but hey it's 35 degrees out! most of the time i prefer greyness though because i feel a little more hidden but at the same time it's a nicer contrast to the trees and people around it, all those red cheeks lips and noses and fluttering hair against a white sky.
but by unusually i mean very dark but at the same time, light, like a pillowcase full of pitch. after school today i showered and scrubbed my face and felt so clean and no one was home so i sang REALLY loudly and imagined myself performing in front of an audience.. and everyone was having a nice time in the scenario. And when i sat at the bottom of the shower. like always, at the end after all the lavender soaping and shampoo and scrubbing flakes of skin and hair off me, it's the nicest feeling to melt into glass and tile under scalding rain after an aching day.


my mind keeps traveling

sunday

I woke up today and rolled over and looked out the window and noticed the barren branches.


It is winter.

happy thanksgiving

cut to the bone marrow


end of the day reflection: gently suffocating

rare grace

Before for a few weeks i would go to sleep relatively early, but not be able to fall asleep for a while and i'd wake up two or so times from nightmares. but now, all of a sudden it's a different kind of stirring, a different kind of sleeplessness, where my sleep is so heavy and silent that it is over before I can even close my eyes and heave the nightly wonted sigh of these unwonted expectations

"this little journey"

i want to see you and close my eyes and put my hands on your face and feel every dent and intake

hills and hills aplenty

last night i saw harry potter and it was really incredible and the ending was noiseless and looming. i don't really understand why they completely re animated dobby/why he was voiced by a different person but his role was really sentimental and sad. i had a long dream that might have been two dreams but if it was they had no break in the middle, and i remember waking up and it was dark and i leaned over and drank a lot of water made cold because it gets cold at night but i don't think i checked the time which i ordinarily always do. when i got home last night i felt very reflective and like there were a lot of things that occured yesterday that contributed to it. most of the time i feel topsy turvy or like when you're in a car or a bike and you go over a hill and your stomach drops only there is a series of hills. and i guess each hill is a person or a recent occurance. this is the first time in a while i noticed that the reason for my emotions isn't because of past things but present ones. i'm a little tired of the feeling of going all the way up a hill only to just glide down it again, it's like carrying a huge sack of flour and when you have just reached your destination the bag falls and the flour spills everywhere

i feel like my face has changed so

"For the enlightened, all that exists is nothing but the Self, so how could any suffering or delusion continue for those who know this oneness?"

how i feel

!

the sorrow of love

The quarrel of the sparrows in the eaves,
The full round moon and the star-laden sky,
And the loud song of the ever-singing leaves,
Had hid away earth's old and weary cry.

And then you came with those red mournful lips,
And with you came the whole of the world's tears,
And all the sorrows of her labouring ships,
And all the burden of her myriad years.

And now the sparrows warring in the eaves,
The curd-pale moon, the white stars in the sky,
And the loud chaunting of the unquiet leaves
Are shaken with earth's old and weary cry.



w.b. yeats

"Awful atoll
O, incalculable indiscreetness and sorrow
Bawl, bellow:
Sibyl sea-cow, all done up in a bow

Toddle and roll;
Teeth an impalpable bit of leather
While yarrow, heather and hollyhock
Awkwardly molt along the shore"