i think it's the realization that never more will you be seeing them, or experiencing the same things again, or feeling and thinking the same since they aren't there any more, and feeling empty, a little more empty each time. full or sparse, they're there [we agree] and when they're gone their memory isn't a brevity any more, or their existence by your side. while it was once a subconscious knowing that they'll always be there. and when they aren't; then they aren't. but then i always begin to wonder whether i grieve for myself or the dead. "isn't it selfish" to cry and say "i didn't get to say goodbye" and think of "all the things you won't have any longer, what you'll miss, how sad it makes you". while i know we can be sad for the wrong reasons for the sake of others, i know that this time isn't one of them.
i only wish i could have fed her another apple in her day