i get my self worked up into a state where i have these rushy thoughts and i shake my hands and hop like i'm on hot coals and i have thoughts like "i miss everything i try but i can't i try but i can't i'm trying" really these things get repeated over and over again literally i repeat things like i'm touching a hot faucet and you jump UP UGH when i see old things that i have said or look over all the old conversations i saved ( there are so many like five per person) and think wow this was so great i wish that could happen again. it is too strange to leave a place or a state of yourself and then return, completely the same as if you had never left. it's just as if you never made a ripple with your oar even though it dipped into the water over and over and over. old birds. once in a while i write long posts that are very reminiscent of something but i think that everyone just thinks that exact same way all the time, in long reminiscent paragraphs. "i love you and you're my best friend and you can tell me anything." "i used to be so honest." really i just don't want to have to come back and be here and things seeming untouched but then all of these wavvvves crash about and then there is so much to learn and study and do and write. you can't just carry your entire world around with you wherever you go because there isn't room for change if you do that. and when you leave sometimes maybe it's good to change. i think partly the reason i shake my hands and get jumpy is because i feel like everyone can hear and see everything i'm remembering, thinking, or dreaming, and i shake my head to get rid of the thoughts really i SHAKE MY HEAD, shake it grab my head stomp my feet i'll be sitting in math looking over and grabbing my face to try and focus. and they come back like ghosts, new things, or old, like ghosts and just taunt me. maybe not taunt, but haunt, or something a little more pleasant, but exist, there for everyone to see. so maybe i wear my heart on my sleeve but not my HEART, but my emotions and thoughts, i feel like i emote very obviously. this is not a good thing. i have a friend who jumps every time she gets excited, it's not even annoying or childish or anything it's just a natural occurance, when she tells a story or agrees or identifies with something she jumps and claps even sometimes and it makes me so happy. and then she sort of coils again. it's the coolest thing, what a wonderment
i k n o w y o u
lawlessness