good things. i love conversations. crying with four girls well thats something but conversations in general are good things. i miss being young and loving everyone and everything and not being afraid that i look ugly or something stupid. and listening to like corinne bailey rae and john mayer all the time WHO ROCK and just being cute because you didn't care about how you looked at all. like seriously i remember when i didnt have any friends and i just watched tv and hung out with my parents all the time. and when i rode horses every weekend with my mom and wearing that red quilted hat. and holding black cats and being a rabbit. and i remember laying bricks with my dad when i was like nine and that is my happiest memory. and i have other happy ones. like tying my shoes and being proud of myself. for tying my shoes. and when i wore a boy's shirt with a skirt in fifth grade and i remember that outfit and i love it thinking about it. and when adults were my best friends when i was a kid and my insane piano teacher who treated me like i was thirty and how all we did was read art books and drink tea and not practice music at all, in fact i played her guitar more often than i did the piano. when i did ballet for all those years and hated it and thinking about it now it's so beautiful, and how i've loved opera since i was a kid, and jazz. and i like wearing what i wear because it makes me happy and not because i think people will like it or because it's clean and matches. and i remember meeting hazel and staring at her wrist because she was wearing a great chair charm bracelet. and we were best friends after that day. i still remember that. and when she wrote me a letter and included five back to back pages of an excerpt from anne frank's diaries. and when i had a scrapbook that i took to school and drew in with those people. HAZEL rememeber when we were determined to find out the mysteries of lemony snicket and like took notes and just i miss that! in third grade. and we just wrote wrote wrote all the time. like i remember being excited for lunch and recess because i just wrote stories and played with dirt. just so many things. i remember spilling soda on my brother and learning how to ride a bike when i was twelve years old. and trying wine for the first time. and meeting that old family friend and just tasting wine and talking about it and when i was five and had nightmares every single night until i was like seven, and after that being afraid to get out of bed in the morning because i had those porcelain dolls on those shelves across from my huge bed. and i swore they moved and they would kill me if they saw me. why do they even make dolls? when i pretended to pray that one night to make my dad happy, and how my parents would say goodnight to me every night for like twenty minutes because i would ask questions so they wouldn't leave for a while. coming home from school every day, talking to my mom and going outside and taking pictures of the dogs. missing missy because she was such a beaut. and little things. like being awkward when i first met celia but we kept hanging out anyway even though the first like four times was uncomfortable. and when people confront me and tell me i'm a bitch and then i either lose those people or get closer to them because of it. and when i met various people and they stopped liking me because of the way i changed and realizing that they aren't worth it if they don't like who i or you or they are becoming. that's happened so many times and it can be upsetting because they're cute and you love them. but it happens all the time. and i miss writing so much. the other thing i did when i had no friends which was the majority of my childhood was just write all the time. i would just write for the entire day and write every day and set goals like "i'm going to finish this book by the time i'm twelve". the lyrics to holland 1945 and new york cares and the sound of django reinhardt. rett's voices and his sapiency. and i just decided to stop being so unhappy because it isn't worth it. there's not enough time to contemplate drowning yourself or being sad and it's okay if you are. but a lot of it is people not wanting to be happy. and it's taking time but i just want to be happy and unashamed again. and it's a slow process but it comes eventually. and if you want to dye your hair dye it. can i just say that coldplay ALSO fucking rules? i mean seriously. i could go on forever talking about this stuff it makes me so happy. theres always hope even if you forget that
i love you all so much
"i think you are wise like an owl."
