we'll stay

even when we know that we don't know what we have until it is gone we still don't follow this phrase. i don't really think it is quite possible of a phrase to follow, and i don't necessarily think that we don't appreciate things fully, i think it is natural to long for something --or someone-- again. i think people have this idea that they never loved something in the first place and then realized the extent of it after that thing is gone but i don't think that is true. case in point, when i am eating cake, i enjoy the cake. i mean i LOVE eating cake. i eat cake and am so fucking happy about it. and then eventually the cake is gone and that's fine. and the next day or week or month i see a picture of one or i see cakes in a film and i want cakes again. and i think "i would give anything for a cake right now." and sometimes i think of when i last had a cake and wish i had that moment again. but there will be more cakes, and there will be more enjoyment.

stardust memories. we have those.

we have memories.

sweet heart bitter heart

After Apple-Picking, by Robert Frost
sweet heart bitter heart
My long two-pointed ladder's sticking through a tree
Toward heaven still,
And there's a barrel that I didn't fill
Beside it, and there may be two or three
Apples I didn't pick upon some bough.
But I am done with apple-picking now.
Essence of winter sleep is on the night,
The scent of apples: I am drowsing off.
I cannot rub the strangeness from my sight
I got from looking through a pane of glass
I skimmed this morning from the drinking trough
And held against the world of hoary grass.
It melted, and I let it fall and break.
But I was well
Upon my way to sleep before it fell,
And I could tell
What form my dreaming was about to take.
Magnified apples appear and disappear,
Stem end and blossom end,
And every fleck of russet showing clear.
My instep arch not only keeps the ache,
It keeps the pressure of a ladder-round.
I feel the ladder sway as the boughs bend.

And I keep hearing from the cellar bin
The rumbling sound
Of load on load of apples coming in.
For I have had too much of apple-picking: I am overtired
Of the great harvest I myself desired.
There were ten thousand thousand fruit to touch,
Cherish in hand, lift down, and not let fall.
For all
That struck the earth,
No matter if not bruised or spiked with stubble,
Went surely to the cider-apple heap
As of no worth.
One can see what will trouble
This sleep of mine, whatever sleep it is.
Were he not gone,
The woodchuck could say whether it's like his
Long sleep, as I describe its coming on,
Or just some human sleep.

fireworks

you're only what i see sometimes

eyes

let nothing be lost upon you. be always searching for new sensations. be afraid of nothing.

i'm sad.
so many people are gone from me. i used to take pictures with you. i used to go on walks with you. i used to wrestle with you. i threw your watch down on the ground.
we used to drink tea.

"I can't fight any longer."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virginia_Woolf#Suicide

look weve had similar stiches

look we have similar frowns

do the elderly couples still kiss and hug and grab their big wrinkly skin so tough wrinkly wrink wrink wrinkly rough

did you see the words

well

I AM GOING TO BED

turtlenecks

i just keep shivering

THANK YOU

i just dont understand anyone half as well as i should. i'm very sad.
it's not my fault.
it's not my fault.

neck:
thanks for holding my head and chin up when i need it most. even if my head is filled with the unnecessary or the ridiculous, you keep it up anyway. and when it's down, it always comes up again, thanks to you. i appreciate it. the collarbones are a nice touch.

feet:

for walking me places.

hands, wrists, arms:

hands for writing and being pretty and dealing with my excessive time spent on the computer typing. wrists for not breaking when you should have while i ski or write too much. arms: could you be less cold in the fall and winter and all the time in general? other than this, thank you for being there to hug people, animals and myself when i need it, or other need it. thank you. thank you. thank you.

knees, legs:

for wearing socks and tights and pants. and tolerating it. i keep you as warm as i can. sorry if i complain that you aren't little enough. you are good the way you are. also sorry i make lists on you all the time, you are conveniently positioned. knees, thank you for all the bruises that earned me those embarrassing nicknames when i was young. thank you.

eyes: sorry that i wear makeup on you occasionally. i never wear very much at all. you are a nice green. the pupils are a little overbearing. but you reflect my desire for open-mindedness, even if on occasion i lack that. thank you for seeing films and the sky and the stars. thank you.

hair:

you are pretty. for drying nicely, and tolerating the few years that i straightened you often. i'm sorry for that. i will never go back. thank you for keeping my head warm and being cute.

lips:

for speaking even when i sometimes shouldnt; i am trying not to regret it as much. and for smiling, even when i sometimes don't want to. you can't help it. i love you. thank you.

i love you.

Dad: Now ems where do the teabags go? Not in the sink. in the trash.

Me: I don't even have a teabag.

Dad: Yeah, now you don't. It's probably in the sink.

bones and
The count of monte cristo is on my reading list, officially. if it's good enough for jean-dominique bauby, that means it must be important. how he inspires me so.

red

coup de grâce.

i'm going to lay on top of my cold bed in the dark and listen to myself breathe until i fall asleep. and it will be wonderful. and i will miss you. and i miss you.

naked as we came

drawing + watching films

you can contact me through my attorney, you can find me outside on a gurney

Why do people make things more difficult than they have to be? I own hunter green sparkly tights. I mean after that happened i thought my life was beautiful forever. If something bad happened well the tights made it better. why cant all my problems be solved by those tights? that and the pretty underwear i own. i am a forest nymph. i realized that there are bits of my life that are unfortunate and not the greatest. and they don't necessarily make me happy anymore or if they never did. and that's okay. because i tend to dwell on the bad things, i get sort of lost on those things and i forget about the nicest things. like home, and what it means to be a friend.

i don't want you!

BANSHEE BEAT! i gave strength to you!

bones bones bones bones bones bones bone bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES BONES NONESBN BOTNSNE BONES TOSNGNO SBONT SOGT VONTES BONES TNONVE S NOVENSN NONE OF IT

oh you had it but oh no you lost it

i decided that all i am going to do is video interview people in black and white. so come over

listening to vampire weekend, wearing red socks, going to celia's.

kneel in the rosebeds

vodka

edit:: that first photo is the most beautiful thing i've ever seen

horchata

Here comes the feeling you thought you'd forgotten.

through the rough wooden doors of my dreams

beaucoup d'etoiles. ive gone too far with the glitter in my boissons. every time. i simply can't resist the sparkle. give me your number and i will sing la vie en rose to you until you fall asleep.

sweet dreamss s s

secret electricity

edit: i just stubbornly chewed a tiny star thinking it was the waxy skin of a popcorn kernel. sigh.

c c c

toasted cinnamon muffin
1 mugful hot earl grey
1 mugful of hot organic green tea
a LOT of mushrooms
vegetarian chicken with muenster and sauce
orange juice

and many conversations with dad, mostly making fun of the male models in L.L.Bean and the ads in the newspaper. and listening to fleet foxes and animal collective vs. the beach boys with him.

look at this triangle of thorns

i am happy
i am happy

almost done re reading lolita! oh i love that book so much. an odd day, night. i made an owl necklace, made a cd cover, stained a cd cover, listened to some lovely music from lovely people, played with my fairy glitter. it is playing on my eyelids and eyelashes; i'm so excited for the glitter party. i left zac zellers a voicemail, watched the shining, didn't talk to my dad enough. i miss him even when he's around. my room is freezing cold and i love it that way the most; tomorrow i want to string popcorn and build a canopy over my bed, maybe i will invite someone to help me~; it is almost midnight and i am going to read about the american revolution and go to bed.

sweet sailing sickbabies lovelybabies lovely lovely loves

agallop, aglow.

kissing the lipless

mykonos

Something that i like which i thought about a lot today: when you are with someone, or a group of people, and you look up, at that person, or someone in that group, and you see that they are looking at you, and you look at them, and there is an understanding. it's an especially nice thing. the only kinds of stares that i don't mind. because i like to watch people in a lighthearted way and when i see my friends doing the same thing i feel an odd happiness, though usually i just act bashful. also i like when you hug someone and you can feel their spine on your hand or their shoulderblades. bones you can feel in general are nice. so soft and i just love touching so much~

the back words

i don't know about you but i love texting because i get the best texts.
i miss texting certain people. i really miss it so much. maybe it's silly
i dont think it is

i want to walk around with you

falling asleep

only fools are satisfied

i remember when i was really little i used to hate sad songs and whenever someone would say they liked a certain song that was sad to me i would get really upset with them. and if a sad song came on tv or the radio i would change it. i dont really know why.

turn on me

i encountered my brother in the hallway whilst wearing his shins shirt:
Me: No I'm not wearing your shirt.
Matt: Yes you are.
Me: No I'm not.
Matt: Yes.
Me: No.
i love you
edit:
Dissolve magically, absurdly,
They'll end, leave, dissipate,
Coldly; and strangely
Return
the shins / those to come

menage a deux ou trois

9:00 pm-11:30 pm: ate caramel ice cream courtesy of ceebee, wrote leah's letter/made envelope, studied history, twittered & facebooked, took notes, made bracelets ("menage a trois" et "rabbit fface" with two fs), listened to bjork/animal collective all with celia sitting across from me. so lovely; late nights with dear friends. fed Beatrix & gave her a new blankie, wearing to bed: tights, wonderful alpaca icelandicky knee socks from mom, dad's thermal and boxers, blue neck warmer from skiing years, hair up, beard on because it's so cold! fourty five beautiful degrees.

ate: two mugfuls hot earl grey, french fries (with alyssa who rescued me after school: thank you), cinnamon muffin courtesy of matt (my BROTHER), 2 eggs. i realized that counting in french really calms me down or something, quite rather odd.

goodnight; so happy and ready for a warm bundled nights sleep.

must buy: candles. must steal: pens

whuddup!

missing you ~ love, emlily

connor

"sometimes i put my foot on it to muffle the bass and i can feel the vibrations on my toes. it's small but it's there."

blame it on my youth

"Grab the book nearest you, turn to page 18, find line 4."::

lolita

"We loved each other with a premature love, marked by a fierceness that so often destroys adult lives."

the sprout and the bean

memory is such a thing. it really is. i cant really describe it as being nice or wonderful or upsetting because there are too many. i just find it curious that we can hear a song and remember a specific time in our lives or smell something or see something. or someone. or just be thinking. what if we didn't have memories to visit? what would we do? and experiencing things and knowing that you'll remember them. having conversations and thinking about something that your friend said and really realizing how wonderful it is. appreciating is the most important thing we can do. we shan't be ghosts

and i want you to be happy it's just very difficult; i will get by i will get bye

sex

Connor: Love your socks
Me: THANK YOU
Connor: YOU ARE WELCOME

take this sinking boat and point it home

edit: THAT WAS MY FUCKING ARM

glad i was not there

things on my agenda:
dislike my life
dislike the entire male population
dislike myself
hang out with andrew gerber
fnskjdkgsf
THE END

left right left right left right left right

"Sometimes i look at you and you're staring at me with this look on your face."
"You interest me."
--
Clem: So go.
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut. But you were exciting.
Clem: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I'd stayed too. Now I wish I'd stayed. I wish I'd done a lot of things. I wish I'd.. I wish I'd stayed. I do.
Clem: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out. I walked out the door!
Clem: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like I was a scared little kid, it was above my head, I don't know.
Clem: You were scared?
Joel: I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire; trying to outrun my humiliation.
Clem: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah, you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clem: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's okay.
--
"What's your favorite beirut song?"
"After the curtain."
--
WAKE UP, DUMMY
--
Mary: How did I look?
Stan: You looked happy. Happy with a secret.
Mary: And after that?
--
"The strawberry jam that made me who i am."
djsadfhdjkjfklds i hate myself
1 bowl of popcorn
cupcakes
three mugfuls of hot earl grey
cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese
milk, orange juice
1 bowl of corn flakes
and eternal sunshine.

when the hairs stand up on the back of my neck
it's your ghost i suspect
but i can't keep away from you
your ghost could keep me running all day
but i can't keep away from you
so lovely/wonderful etc.
`dark dark dark

she scaled mount everett

Dear Emily,

I'm sitting in chem and I was tying a piece of string around my finger to remind myself to have better posture and then Ashlynn was like "Why are you tying a string around your finger?" And I tried to explain it and it took her a long time to understand and when she finally understood, she was like "Why would you want string around your finger?" and I asked, "why wouldnt I?" and she was like "True." LOVE MY LIFE

From, the most popular boy you know LOL

dsjgkdahhahaahahahHAHA

i love notes the most

honey rabbit

piece of bread, with jelly
two oreos
cinnamon sugar almonds
3 cups, or, mugfuls, of hot earl grey
vegetarian chicken
jus d'orange et d'eau
raisin bagel, toasted with cream cheese
pineapple
two eggs
cupcakes
medicine and little coughs
conversations.

good eyes

why is
my life
so awesome NOT
i fucking miss the unicorns so much. i miss loving them. and the shins. why do you stop loving things? and i miss uncle chap and peter

edit. i realized that recently if i have seemed happy it's just when i'm thinking about all the wonderful things that used to be in my life. i found your sock in my bed. why did that have to happen

fjsagdks

"i just want it to be like it used to be, with all of us friends."

"i don't wanna be friends."

just leave please i just want my fucking dvd back

thanks a lot.

sneeze of my life

tea.
and this is not a place for weak tea leaves.

rare things are considered to be so fine (foxy ladies particularly) but it's just now feeling weird to me. are they considered nice and good just because they're rare? and, if theyre so nice why are they so rare? shortages of nice things - never good.

cold warmth, coldness & warmthj

dskadhkfs cheesbu

"you know where that happens to me alot the wawa parking lot. that place is such a pain!"

edit:

yes.

old devil moon

good things. i love conversations. crying with four girls well thats something but conversations in general are good things. i miss being young and loving everyone and everything and not being afraid that i look ugly or something stupid. and listening to like corinne bailey rae and john mayer all the time WHO ROCK and just being cute because you didn't care about how you looked at all. like seriously i remember when i didnt have any friends and i just watched tv and hung out with my parents all the time. and when i rode horses every weekend with my mom and wearing that red quilted hat. and holding black cats and being a rabbit. and i remember laying bricks with my dad when i was like nine and that is my happiest memory. and i have other happy ones. like tying my shoes and being proud of myself. for tying my shoes. and when i wore a boy's shirt with a skirt in fifth grade and i remember that outfit and i love it thinking about it. and when adults were my best friends when i was a kid and my insane piano teacher who treated me like i was thirty and how all we did was read art books and drink tea and not practice music at all, in fact i played her guitar more often than i did the piano. when i did ballet for all those years and hated it and thinking about it now it's so beautiful, and how i've loved opera since i was a kid, and jazz. and i like wearing what i wear because it makes me happy and not because i think people will like it or because it's clean and matches. and i remember meeting hazel and staring at her wrist because she was wearing a great chair charm bracelet. and we were best friends after that day. i still remember that. and when she wrote me a letter and included five back to back pages of an excerpt from anne frank's diaries. and when i had a scrapbook that i took to school and drew in with those people. HAZEL rememeber when we were determined to find out the mysteries of lemony snicket and like took notes and just i miss that! in third grade. and we just wrote wrote wrote all the time. like i remember being excited for lunch and recess because i just wrote stories and played with dirt. just so many things. i remember spilling soda on my brother and learning how to ride a bike when i was twelve years old. and trying wine for the first time. and meeting that old family friend and just tasting wine and talking about it and when i was five and had nightmares every single night until i was like seven, and after that being afraid to get out of bed in the morning because i had those porcelain dolls on those shelves across from my huge bed. and i swore they moved and they would kill me if they saw me. why do they even make dolls? when i pretended to pray that one night to make my dad happy, and how my parents would say goodnight to me every night for like twenty minutes because i would ask questions so they wouldn't leave for a while. coming home from school every day, talking to my mom and going outside and taking pictures of the dogs. missing missy because she was such a beaut. and little things. like being awkward when i first met celia but we kept hanging out anyway even though the first like four times was uncomfortable. and when people confront me and tell me i'm a bitch and then i either lose those people or get closer to them because of it. and when i met various people and they stopped liking me because of the way i changed and realizing that they aren't worth it if they don't like who i or you or they are becoming. that's happened so many times and it can be upsetting because they're cute and you love them. but it happens all the time. and i miss writing so much. the other thing i did when i had no friends which was the majority of my childhood was just write all the time. i would just write for the entire day and write every day and set goals like "i'm going to finish this book by the time i'm twelve". the lyrics to holland 1945 and new york cares and the sound of django reinhardt. rett's voices and his sapiency. and i just decided to stop being so unhappy because it isn't worth it. there's not enough time to contemplate drowning yourself or being sad and it's okay if you are. but a lot of it is people not wanting to be happy. and it's taking time but i just want to be happy and unashamed again. and it's a slow process but it comes eventually. and if you want to dye your hair dye it. can i just say that coldplay ALSO fucking rules? i mean seriously. i could go on forever talking about this stuff it makes me so happy. theres always hope even if you forget that

i love you all so much

"i think you are wise like an owl."