http://under-hill.blogspot.com/

decided to use this one again

honeybaked

recently

the winds are a-windin'.

Swift fire spread through her veins, knocked at her heart,
Met the fire smouldering there
And overbore its lesser flame,
She gorged on bitterness without a name:
Ah! fool, to choose such part
Of soul-consuming care!
Sense failed in the mortal strife:
Like the watch-tower of a town
Which an earthquake shatters down,
Like a lightning-stricken mast,
Like a wind-uprooted tree
Spun about,
Like a foam-topped water-spout
Cast down headlong in the sea,
She fell at last;
Pleasure past and anguish past,
Is it death or is it life?


a section of the very lengthy goblin market by christina rossetti

drum
drums

8th february

part 1: there is nothing quite like being alone

part 2: i had two vivid flashes in my day today. the first one wasn't really as vivid as it was just pragmatic. i wore a long billowy skirt and when i came home after letting the dogs out i sat at a chair in the kitchen and pulled it over the vent where heat was blowing and i put my bare feet on the vent and all the heat clouded inside my skirt. i sat with my head against the wall. my head ended up in my lap

the second was definitely a moment, earlier, just before sun down would have been starting, i went outside to get a handful of snow to eat and when i opened the door i was met by whistling gusts of wind. i bent down to get the snow and looked up and saw the tops of the trees toward the right side of my yard swaying like ocean waves. i went inside and turned on the tv to see about the wind and it said "wind advisory" and that tonight wind will gust up to 40 miles an hour.

i feel sick

it was pity that stayed bilbo's hand

really desirous of a spicy avocado and boiled egg sandwich on some toast. the day has been an unhappy ocean of ups and downs. whereas normally they are more along the lines of "the calm before the storm", even though it's mostly just the calm, and never the storm. i've been thinking, if someone ever gave me a cake or something with "sorry" spelled out on it i would probably step on it or force feed it to them. whoever in their right mind thinks that that is an apology? granted, if a six year old accidentally spilled a drink on one of my articles of clothing and baked me a cake with sorry on it, i would accept it. but anyone who isnt in that situation is just a fucking wimp. maybe i have this animosity towards apology cakes because i've never recieved one and i don't truely know what it is like. but i think i have a pretty good idea of how i'd feel if i got one, which is something along the lines of, "worse than i already feel" coupled with a sarcastic thank you. i also feel like, now, that there are tons (aka a few) people who will read this and think "what a horse's ass". in response all i have to say is, these are the ones soft as an avocado.

gu

my pessimism has really earned quite a few more notches it seems, even though i am feeling relatively pleasant, because i hung up my clothes finally. i have also adopted yet another new habit for using an adjective and making it plural to describe a group of something, usually people. a bad habit are generalizations. however, i still wouldnt mind that sandwich

ehrmann

Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantenment
it is as perennial as the grass.

9:o1 pm. going to sleep and hopefully waking up in the morning with all this clay and hurt filling me now gone with the wind

"i'm going out because i deserve to go out and i'm going to get drunk because i deserve to get drunk, and get out of my way!"

CURRENTLY

i have adopted a new strange habit where i pull my bottom eyelids down and hold them while i'm reading or waiting for something or on the computer, so that they get dry and watery and then i blink a little and do it again. sustaining the unsustainable

feeling like sandy bates

"i would fain die a dry death."

It is so easy for me to muse on my day, feelings or memories on the computer but with a pen in hand the experience is a very different one. regardless i have some things to say tonight. the process of getting to know someone and developing a relationship worthy of a timeline is enlightening, in positive and negative ways. lately i have felt very certain of who i am happy to have in my life and about who i am glad isn't in my life anymore. unfortunately the process that everyone goes through to acheive this good feeling leaves me with the sensation of walking through headwind in the cold and the wind gets in your eyes and the tears jump out. but i am past this and have entered the sensation of the warm home. i have yet to truely discover what it feels like of someone to enter my life and then exit it but then re enter it. the re entering is what has eluded me, surely this has happened but looking back the people who come back never really left me. but the people who i consider "gone" right now, if they came back it would definitely be a new experience, and i don't know if i want this to happen, but if eventually it does, (and i'm sure at one point or another it will) well i guess that will be where fate has taken them.

thousand purple cups of wine

i have been spending a lot of time alone which i usually consider a good thing because my life is not filled with trimmings that i have not chosen, which last year my life was full of them. and to have finally sloughed the last of it off is terribly relieving. But despite my strengthened spirit, i do feel alone. i do have feelings

i love this girl

these pictures remind me that i

"am i so dear? do i run rare?"

it's sad when exciting things end

when will you wipe my conscience clean?

re arranged my room last night and it makes me feel very different and better. it's incredible how much more intimate this room feels.

cleaning and listening to larkin grimm

gandalf, sarah vaughan, and sleep sleep sleep

"It is so rare in this world to meet a trustworthy person who truly wants to help you, and finding such a person can make you feel warm and safe, even if you are in the middle of a windy valley high up in the mountains."

newsom

deep in the night
shone a weak and miserly light
where the monkey shouldered his lamp

someone had told him
the bear had been wandering
a fair piece away from where they were camped

someone had told him
the bear'd been sneaking away
to the seaside caverns, to bathe

and the thought troubled the monkey
for he was afraid of spelunking down in those caves
also afraid what the village people would say
if they saw the bear in that state;
lolling and splashing obscenely
well, it seemed irrational, really; washing that face
washing that matted and flea-bit pelt
in some sea-spit-shine, old kelp dripping with brine
but monkey just laughed, and he muttered;
when she comes back, Ursala will be bursting with pride

'til I jump up!
saying: you've been rolling in muck!
saying: you smell of garbage and grime!

but far out
far out
by now
by now
far out, by now, Bear ploughed
'cause she would not drown:

first the outside-legs of the bear
up and fell down, in the water, like knobby garters
then the outside-arms of the bear
fell off, as easy as if sloughed from boiled tomatoes
low'red in a genteel curtsy
bear shed the mantle of her diluvian shoulders;
and, with a sigh, she allowed the burden of belly
to drop like an apronfull of boulders

if you could hold up her threadbare coat to the light
where it's worn translucent in places
you'd see spots where almost every night of the year
Bear had been mending suspending that baseness
now her coat drags through the water
bagging, with a life's-worth of hunger, limitless minnows
in the magnetic embrace
balletic and glacial of Bear's insatiable shadow

this is a piece of monkey and bear and i withhold the opinion that it is one of if not the most saddest song she has ever written. and not to mention it is sung in the most perfect way

very very very very very very very...

as pale as a candlestick

getting weirder and weirder as my hair grows and grows and goes. i remember two years ago/some of last year during school i'd go to bed between one and three and 11 or 10 was so early but now if i'm up after ten pm i start to get worried for some reason. lately i've been getting these little bursts of electric pain in the side of my neck and i told my dad and he says he gets those too. we are similar. i'm like his parents too. when my back hurts and i'm in school and i'm slumped and cracking it every ten minutes i have these terrible visions that my spine is (still) a thick wiry rope tied and gnarly but now ive been feeling these lumps (knots) that i imagine are horrible growths on the rope. it can really put one out. this is like how i've been convincing myself i have parasites for half of my life. complaints complaints

on thanksgiving i put superglue on the little cut but i peeled it off that night

edit: on the note of sleeping the weird thing is is that because past ten pm or whenever, i feel worried and anxiety coming about me, and then i have to reassure myself it's okay if i go to sleep at 12, or 11, or 11.30.. or whatever, and that in the grande scheme it really doesnt matter when i go to sleep. it's a strange feeling to be so worried that i won't have time to sleep. if theres anything we'll always have time for it's sleep and there's never enough time for anything else