courage

2011-03-13T15:11:00.001-07:00

http://under-hill.blogspot.com/

decided to use this one again

2011-03-05T14:09:00.000-08:00

honeybaked

recently

2011-03-05T13:23:00.000-08:00

the winds are a-windin'.

2011-02-23T13:32:00.000-08:00

Swift fire spread through her veins, knocked at her heart,
Met the fire smouldering there
And overbore its lesser flame,
She gorged on bitterness without a name:
Ah! fool, to choose such part
Of soul-consuming care!
Sense failed in the mortal strife:
Like the watch-tower of a town
Which an earthquake shatters down,
Like a lightning-stricken mast,
Like a wind-uprooted tree
Spun about,
Like a foam-topped water-spout
Cast down headlong in the sea,
She fell at last;
Pleasure past and anguish past,
Is it death or is it life?

a section of the very lengthy goblin market by christina rossetti

2011-02-22T13:16:00.000-08:00

drum
drums

8th february

2011-02-08T12:19:00.001-08:00

part 1: there is nothing quite like being alone

part 2: i had two vivid flashes in my day today. the first one wasn't really as vivid as it was just pragmatic. i wore a long billowy skirt and when i came home after letting the dogs out i sat at a chair in the kitchen and pulled it over the vent where heat was blowing and i put my bare feet on the vent and all the heat clouded inside my skirt. i sat with my head against the wall. my head ended up in my lap

the second was definitely a moment, earlier, just before sun down would have been starting, i went outside to get a handful of snow to eat and when i opened the door i was met by whistling gusts of wind. i bent down to get the snow and looked up and saw the tops of the trees toward the right side of my yard swaying like ocean waves. i went inside and turned on the tv to see about the wind and it said "wind advisory" and that tonight wind will gust up to 40 miles an hour.

i feel sick

it was pity that stayed bilbo's hand

2011-01-30T16:56:00.000-08:00

really desirous of a spicy avocado and boiled egg sandwich on some toast. the day has been an unhappy ocean of ups and downs. whereas normally they are more along the lines of "the calm before the storm", even though it's mostly just the calm, and never the storm. i've been thinking, if someone ever gave me a cake or something with "sorry" spelled out on it i would probably step on it or force feed it to them. whoever in their right mind thinks that that is an apology? granted, if a six year old accidentally spilled a drink on one of my articles of clothing and baked me a cake with sorry on it, i would accept it. but anyone who isnt in that situation is just a fucking wimp. maybe i have this animosity towards apology cakes because i've never recieved one and i don't truely know what it is like. but i think i have a pretty good idea of how i'd feel if i got one, which is something along the lines of, "worse than i already feel" coupled with a sarcastic thank you. i also feel like, now, that there are tons (aka a few) people who will read this and think "what a horse's ass". in response all i have to say is, these are the ones soft as an avocado.

my pessimism has really earned quite a few more notches it seems, even though i am feeling relatively pleasant, because i hung up my clothes finally. i have also adopted yet another new habit for using an adjective and making it plural to describe a group of something, usually people. a bad habit are generalizations. however, i still wouldnt mind that sandwich

ehrmann

2011-01-26T19:12:00.000-08:00

Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantenment
it is as perennial as the grass.

2011-01-23T18:00:00.000-08:00

9:o1 pm. going to sleep and hopefully waking up in the morning with all this clay and hurt filling me now gone with the wind

2011-01-12T18:06:00.001-08:00

"i'm going out because i deserve to go out and i'm going to get drunk because i deserve to get drunk, and get out of my way!"

CURRENTLY

2011-01-11T12:27:00.000-08:00

i have adopted a new strange habit where i pull my bottom eyelids down and hold them while i'm reading or waiting for something or on the computer, so that they get dry and watery and then i blink a little and do it again. sustaining the unsustainable

feeling like sandy bates

"i would fain die a dry death."

2011-01-09T16:39:00.001-08:00

It is so easy for me to muse on my day, feelings or memories on the computer but with a pen in hand the experience is a very different one. regardless i have some things to say tonight. the process of getting to know someone and developing a relationship worthy of a timeline is enlightening, in positive and negative ways. lately i have felt very certain of who i am happy to have in my life and about who i am glad isn't in my life anymore. unfortunately the process that everyone goes through to acheive this good feeling leaves me with the sensation of walking through headwind in the cold and the wind gets in your eyes and the tears jump out. but i am past this and have entered the sensation of the warm home. i have yet to truely discover what it feels like of someone to enter my life and then exit it but then re enter it. the re entering is what has eluded me, surely this has happened but looking back the people who come back never really left me. but the people who i consider "gone" right now, if they came back it would definitely be a new experience, and i don't know if i want this to happen, but if eventually it does, (and i'm sure at one point or another it will) well i guess that will be where fate has taken them.

thousand purple cups of wine

i have been spending a lot of time alone which i usually consider a good thing because my life is not filled with trimmings that i have not chosen, which last year my life was full of them. and to have finally sloughed the last of it off is terribly relieving. But despite my strengthened spirit, i do feel alone. i do have feelings

i love this girl

these pictures remind me that i

2011-01-05T14:30:00.001-08:00

"am i so dear? do i run rare?"

2010-12-31T18:33:00.001-08:00

it's sad when exciting things end

when will you wipe my conscience clean?

2010-12-21T13:20:00.000-08:00

re arranged my room last night and it makes me feel very different and better. it's incredible how much more intimate this room feels.

cleaning and listening to larkin grimm

2010-12-19T21:06:00.000-08:00

gandalf, sarah vaughan, and sleep sleep sleep

2010-12-19T14:58:00.001-08:00

"It is so rare in this world to meet a trustworthy person who truly wants to help you, and finding such a person can make you feel warm and safe, even if you are in the middle of a windy valley high up in the mountains."

newsom

2010-12-16T12:31:00.000-08:00

deep in the night
shone a weak and miserly light
where the monkey shouldered his lamp

someone had told him
the bear had been wandering
a fair piece away from where they were camped

someone had told him
the bear'd been sneaking away
to the seaside caverns, to bathe

and the thought troubled the monkey
for he was afraid of spelunking down in those caves
also afraid what the village people would say
if they saw the bear in that state;
lolling and splashing obscenely
well, it seemed irrational, really; washing that face
washing that matted and flea-bit pelt
in some sea-spit-shine, old kelp dripping with brine
but monkey just laughed, and he muttered;
when she comes back, Ursala will be bursting with pride

'til I jump up!
saying: you've been rolling in muck!
saying: you smell of garbage and grime!

but far out
far out
by now
by now
far out, by now, Bear ploughed
'cause she would not drown:

first the outside-legs of the bear
up and fell down, in the water, like knobby garters
then the outside-arms of the bear
fell off, as easy as if sloughed from boiled tomatoes
low'red in a genteel curtsy
bear shed the mantle of her diluvian shoulders;
and, with a sigh, she allowed the burden of belly
to drop like an apronfull of boulders

if you could hold up her threadbare coat to the light
where it's worn translucent in places
you'd see spots where almost every night of the year
Bear had been mending suspending that baseness
now her coat drags through the water
bagging, with a life's-worth of hunger, limitless minnows
in the magnetic embrace
balletic and glacial of Bear's insatiable shadow

this is a piece of monkey and bear and i withhold the opinion that it is one of if not the most saddest song she has ever written. and not to mention it is sung in the most perfect way

2010-12-14T20:11:00.000-08:00

very very very very very very very...

as pale as a candlestick

2010-12-14T19:50:00.000-08:00

getting weirder and weirder as my hair grows and grows and goes. i remember two years ago/some of last year during school i'd go to bed between one and three and 11 or 10 was so early but now if i'm up after ten pm i start to get worried for some reason. lately i've been getting these little bursts of electric pain in the side of my neck and i told my dad and he says he gets those too. we are similar. i'm like his parents too. when my back hurts and i'm in school and i'm slumped and cracking it every ten minutes i have these terrible visions that my spine is (still) a thick wiry rope tied and gnarly but now ive been feeling these lumps (knots) that i imagine are horrible growths on the rope. it can really put one out. this is like how i've been convincing myself i have parasites for half of my life. complaints complaints

on thanksgiving i put superglue on the little cut but i peeled it off that night

edit: on the note of sleeping the weird thing is is that because past ten pm or whenever, i feel worried and anxiety coming about me, and then i have to reassure myself it's okay if i go to sleep at 12, or 11, or 11.30.. or whatever, and that in the grande scheme it really doesnt matter when i go to sleep. it's a strange feeling to be so worried that i won't have time to sleep. if theres anything we'll always have time for it's sleep and there's never enough time for anything else

what was yours and mine

2010-12-13T19:52:00.000-08:00

something was a little off in that one little phrase

buried in the snow

2010-12-12T19:11:00.000-08:00

buried in yellow froth.
moody day. i woke up with an immediate flooding wave of thought so heavy it was a little burdening
bones so white
i'm hoping

"that true kiss vanished the minute their lips seperated"

2010-12-05T16:22:00.000-08:00

i'm weaving with tons of embroidery thread right now and listening to a radiolab podcast about memory and forgetting and i learned this: that a "memory" is a) a physical thing (proteins.) and b) (a commonly agreed upon theory) when we remember something we basically are creating a new memory, we're reproducing it and re experiencing it. and every time we remember something we change it in some small subconscious way, so essentially the more you think about something, dwell on it, remember it, recreate it, the less and less you remember the true event itself, because each remembrance yields another changed aspect. and so you never really know if your memories are real or if they're completely fabricated (if theyre 5, 10, 15 years old, and so on) depending on how often you remember them. there is no such thing as storing a memory completely as it is and being able to look at it at a later date, even if it's a second later.

and moreover, the next scenario they provided was: you kiss someone and they kiss you back and then thirty years later, after not thinking about the kiss at all every beyond that original event (somehow), say the man sees the woman getting out of a train and remembers their kiss: then that memory is infinitely more accurate than if he'd been thinking about it every day of his life up to that moment

bawl bellow

2010-11-30T16:50:00.000-08:00

it was unusually gray today. the grey sky is nice in the fall and winter for me, because when the sky is blue and sunny it feels a little like the cosmos are teasing me; it's sunny but hey it's 35 degrees out! most of the time i prefer greyness though because i feel a little more hidden but at the same time it's a nicer contrast to the trees and people around it, all those red cheeks lips and noses and fluttering hair against a white sky.
but by unusually i mean very dark but at the same time, light, like a pillowcase full of pitch. after school today i showered and scrubbed my face and felt so clean and no one was home so i sang REALLY loudly and imagined myself performing in front of an audience.. and everyone was having a nice time in the scenario. And when i sat at the bottom of the shower. like always, at the end after all the lavender soaping and shampoo and scrubbing flakes of skin and hair off me, it's the nicest feeling to melt into glass and tile under scalding rain after an aching day.

my mind keeps traveling

sunday

2010-11-28T21:14:00.001-08:00

I woke up today and rolled over and looked out the window and noticed the barren branches.

It is winter.

happy thanksgiving

2010-11-25T13:09:00.000-08:00

cut to the bone marrow

end of the day reflection: gently suffocating

rare grace

2010-11-23T20:20:00.000-08:00

Before for a few weeks i would go to sleep relatively early, but not be able to fall asleep for a while and i'd wake up two or so times from nightmares. but now, all of a sudden it's a different kind of stirring, a different kind of sleeplessness, where my sleep is so heavy and silent that it is over before I can even close my eyes and heave the nightly wonted sigh of these unwonted expectations

"this little journey"

2010-11-21T16:40:00.002-08:00

i want to see you and close my eyes and put my hands on your face and feel every dent and intake

hills and hills aplenty

2010-11-20T08:05:00.000-08:00

last night i saw harry potter and it was really incredible and the ending was noiseless and looming. i don't really understand why they completely re animated dobby/why he was voiced by a different person but his role was really sentimental and sad. i had a long dream that might have been two dreams but if it was they had no break in the middle, and i remember waking up and it was dark and i leaned over and drank a lot of water made cold because it gets cold at night but i don't think i checked the time which i ordinarily always do. when i got home last night i felt very reflective and like there were a lot of things that occured yesterday that contributed to it. most of the time i feel topsy turvy or like when you're in a car or a bike and you go over a hill and your stomach drops only there is a series of hills. and i guess each hill is a person or a recent occurance. this is the first time in a while i noticed that the reason for my emotions isn't because of past things but present ones. i'm a little tired of the feeling of going all the way up a hill only to just glide down it again, it's like carrying a huge sack of flour and when you have just reached your destination the bag falls and the flour spills everywhere

i feel like my face has changed so

"For the enlightened, all that exists is nothing but the Self, so how could any suffering or delusion continue for those who know this oneness?"

2010-11-17T18:34:00.000-08:00

how i feel

2010-11-15T19:26:00.001-08:00

the sorrow of love

2010-11-12T18:00:00.000-08:00

The quarrel of the sparrows in the eaves,
The full round moon and the star-laden sky,
And the loud song of the ever-singing leaves,
Had hid away earth's old and weary cry.

And then you came with those red mournful lips,
And with you came the whole of the world's tears,
And all the sorrows of her labouring ships,
And all the burden of her myriad years.

And now the sparrows warring in the eaves,
The curd-pale moon, the white stars in the sky,
And the loud chaunting of the unquiet leaves
Are shaken with earth's old and weary cry.

w.b. yeats

2010-11-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

"Awful atoll
O, incalculable indiscreetness and sorrow
Bawl, bellow:
Sibyl sea-cow, all done up in a bow

Toddle and roll;
Teeth an impalpable bit of leather
While yarrow, heather and hollyhock
Awkwardly molt along the shore"

2010-10-27T19:24:00.001-07:00

I just

theres a time and place for others but a time and place for being alone

2010-10-23T19:18:00.000-07:00

My life is full of renegades

edit
Today I used my brother's computer and went onto omegle video and one of the strangers said
"Your hair
is nice"

feeling like frodo

2010-10-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

Missing things so much it's like almost regretting them ever happening

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on? And in your heart you begin to understand; there is no going back. There are some things that time cannot mend some hurts that go too deep that've taken hold."

I almost admire the ones who can forget people and situations
just like that

2010-10-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

i like poetry
Poetree

today is the second time i've spent three hours on an essay. I like writing essays but I put too much effort into them. Maybe the blaring joanna newsom distracted me

apples

2010-10-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

I feel sad and very very alone and my memories taste like blood in my throat, dry and bitter and a hollow sorrow heart made of rotting wood. Maybe that's why I've been drinking sweet tea to the point where my tongue is literally saccharine. Physical habits don't cure emotions, emily, naïve naïve naïve

"Each phantom limb lost"

topsy turvy

2010-10-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

"Hummingbird
just let me die"

sweet and full of someone else's flowers

2010-10-11T18:45:00.000-07:00

listening to the wnyc radiolab podcast and getting my things together for tomorrow. looking forward to the rain

2010-10-10T19:14:00.001-07:00

Tired of being me

2010-10-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

i like packaged sunflower seeds because theyre good to eat when i'm angry or depressed and i can open them, leave them sitting and then a month later eat them and they'll still be crunchy and delicious

some people just upset me without trying

2010-10-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

What do you do when...

2010-10-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

Todd: A sweaty toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain!
Keating: Oh, that's excellent! Now make him do something!
Todd: His hands reach out and choke me!
Keating: That's it! That's wonderful! Wonderful!
Todd:And all the time he's mumbling.
Keating: What's he mumbling?
Todd: Mumbling truth!
Keating: Yes, yes?
Todd: Truth like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold!
Keating: Forget them, forget them! Stay with the blanket! Tell me about that blanket!
Todd: You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream.
Dead Poets Society

2010-10-04T19:34:00.000-07:00

And on that note I always think what if the reflections and the uncountable pictures of us are just not actually how we look at all but just what we think we look like. You could be anything or anyone else or any number of people and you'll never know what you truely look like. It's kind of like the real life thought about the distance between your perception and their perception and how only you and your solipcism matters. You know the lines and the bumps and the softness and where it tickles and hurts and intricately few people will ever know those things who aren't you. It's kind of like a nightmare now that I think of it that I might only think I look this way but not at all at the same time because the way you see yourself is the way you are. You can't trust the opinions of others so why would you listen to someone tell you who you are? So if your delicious and rotten view of yourself is something physically different and we never see the opposite of ourselves the way everyone else does that's just exactly the way it is now.
I always have thoughts then when I really think or wrote them I realize that there are loop holes every where. Loopholes where sticky truth drips like honey

2010-10-03T15:40:00.003-07:00

just now i picked up my glass of plain water (at first i typed plain waiter) by the rim of the glass and stood in front of a full length mirror and thought about how different i feel when i look at myself and i'm not wearing my glasses versus when i'm looking at myself with my glasses on. i only wear them when i have to see something far away, excluding my reflection, so after i updated my lenses after five months of not being able to see 20/20 i feel like i don't see myself the way that everyone else does. because i look at myself in the mirror and think things but then i put on my glasses and realize oh, wait, nothing has changed, or just "no"
sometimes there's just nothing you can say
sometimes there's just nothing

people who live with cats

2010-10-02T16:55:00.000-07:00

i love how when you have a pet cat/cats in your house and they have their own seperate plans and you have your own seperate plans and you walk through rooms in the house carrying your plans out and they too and sometimes you walk into a room and a cat is sleeping in there

emily

2010-09-30T19:31:00.001-07:00

Where could she be

relax your aching bones

2010-09-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

I've had this list going for a while. It used to be longer.
b o o k s t o r e a d
OR;
b o o k s a l r e a d y r e a d , b u t t o buy:

Lunaception
Life as we don't know it
Memoirs of food at gipsy house
Death in venice
A lover's discourse
Oxford companion to wine
Candy
No country for old men
To the white sea
My uncle oswald
Peter pan
Gilead
The thousand autumns of jacob de zoet
Cloud atlas
The unbearable lightness of being
England have my bones
The white tiger
The willoughbys
O Pioneers!
Wind, sand, and stars (exupery)
The count of monte cristo
The diving bell and the butterfly
Mason and dixon
rue mclanahans autobiography
Esterhazy: the rabbit prince
The omnivores dilemma
the virgin suicides
kornwolf
pale blue dot
Little pig robinson
New Russian English Dictionary
Slaughterhouse five
Patterns from nature
Both ways is the only way I want it
I capture the castle
Across the river and into the trees
The winding stair and other poems
Huck finn
Doctor zhivago
14,000 things to be happy about
The blind assassin
the shadow of the wind
here there be dragons
Gormenghast series:
1. Titus groan
2. Gormenghast
3. Titus alone (the overlook press edition)
Boy in darkness
the lemming condition
20,000 leagues under the sea
Ficciones (jorge luis borges)
100 years of solitude
Oryx and crake

semper

2010-09-21T18:59:00.001-07:00

i miss vibrant
and golden dawn

2010-09-17T17:50:00.000-07:00

i just realized that it takes a really long time for certain things to impact their importance
and then you realize that's why your hair has been fallin out
why you didn't feel good until now
how the tree finally fell
pssst
p.s.
i have a cold

2010-09-16T15:19:00.000-07:00

2010-07-10T21:44:00.000-07:00

people are very intricate and confusing and they make me angry and ALL SORTS OF OTHER THINGS
clocks
I'M ANGRY

you take my breath away

2010-07-09T00:35:00.000-07:00

i have been wearing the same thing for weeks and i never wash my clothes because i wear the same things all the time and if i wash them then i wont know what to do. i have a closet full of clothes but this pair of boxers and maybe three shirts are all i feel remotely comfortable in. not just even physically comfortable but mentally which seems a little bit backwards. boxers with black shirt and penny loafers very practical for summer and staying up until four in the morning and stepping outside to actually feel the temperature. and another thing is that its been 90s and 100s and if it hasn't, it has been humid beyond comprehension and all ive been eating is eggs toast tofu cereal and hot milky tea. i need to get on my bike and sweat. i wish my sleeping patterns werent so out of whack because napping from 8:3o am to almost 5 in the evening is getting a little dis heartening. I'M SICK OF EVERYTHING

"it's easy to forget where you came from if there's no question of your return such selfishnesses trivialize any tenderness as the coffee commands the torture of my bowels such selfishnesses such selfishnesses pronouncing every word with a rigid insensitivity plus i struggle with the nightshade in my blood

i really shouldnt say it

i really shouldnt say it but i just love what the water does"

CAMBRIDGE

2010-07-07T15:14:00.001-07:00

strange day

seinfeld

2010-07-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Kramer: Am i? or am i so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: Impossible!
Kramer: Is it? or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be!
Kramer: Can't it? or is your entire world just crashing down all around you!
Jerry: Alright, that's enough!

where are you hiding?

2010-07-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

i feel like this:

2010-07-01T21:24:00.001-07:00

"cheers to the nerve it takes to forget who we are"

sing to self

2010-06-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

"i have nothing to worry about"

sh
making a small gift for bridges

tearful

2010-06-28T14:52:00.000-07:00

i love when i see a picture or a bit of old conversation or just think about something that at one time you knew nothing about and it was just a new experience/person in your life and at the time you never knew how that picture you took or that person would become a whole new part of you and at the time you knew nothing about anything, and then today looking back you think "i was so unaware of how this would affect me right now". it really kind of gives me hope that when i'm afraid something won't work out, maybe it will. i don't even just notice it in my own self

catcher

which is just weird. eating burnt popcorn

my brother just said "dad, can you help me with this? i don't know how to do it. is it easy?"

you didn't have to laugh that way

2010-06-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

i want to twist to radio sweetheart.

Salesman: This is our best model. The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. it's like.. you're almost glad to be handicapped.

"We may meet again before all is over, and then again of course we may not. that depends on your luck and on your courage and sense; and i am sending mr. baggins with you."

gandalf. now's the time for more costello, seinfeld and cambridge tea.

pack up your sorrows and give them all to me

2010-06-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

i love life and all its laws and littles and tribulations and the possible things and outcomes and fate and i'm so excited to take physics and really learn it rather than reading physics books and trying to understand but really just ambling along. going to the beach tomorrow; today with my mom to her friend's house to drop wine off and she let me borrow some books including a HUGE book of pictures of native american indians but i was most excited to visit her cat mehitabel, who is a tiny calico who looks like she swallowed a volley ball, and played with her and admired the sky which was a nice periwinkle color, like hydrangeas. it's a three quarters waxing moon now, now i know that is improper but understood! i really want to get like a book on clouds and weather patterns. maybe i can just talk to my brother. lion's pride

listening to joanna and nick drake, and mimi and richard farina. CUTIES

me: i found out what the song on the at&t commercial was.

dad: yeah, it's nick drake.

me: you knew? i didn't ask you because i knew you wouldn't know!

dad: i knew! it's like the laws of physics. you didn't ask me, and i knew, but if you did ask me i wouldn't have known.

me: that isn't physics

dad: maybe it was murphy's law. it's some law, i know it is.

a skeleton earring and a moon i made

vwvwvwvw

2010-06-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

listened to maps by the yeah yeah yeahs, havent heard that song in a while. some other things: i used a needle for a toothpick, and i bobby pinned my skirt in the middle to make shorts and i like it all much better now. and other usual things: took too many pictures of myself today, tried to eat green pesto rice, and painted my left hand nails black and the right hand nails red. basically i am a deck of cards. wouldn't that be great? or if i was a folly. a living folly
seeing de pew tomorrow. hello fleet foxes

stranger in a strange land

2010-06-19T14:51:00.000-07:00

i want to know if there really is a point where some one just gives up on every thing. the point where, like the lemmings, they run and run until they reach the edge of the cliff by the ocean and just leap off of it. like that photograph by yves klein where he's just falling into the street and looks completely guilt and burden-free. there must be people who feel like that, like they just really do not care about anything, either that, or they just care about everything

ete

2010-06-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

i love dogs

migration to a town where trees swallow houses

2010-06-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

i feel like i'm going to start hyperventilating and crying again any second WHAT IS GOING ON

2010-06-15T18:42:00.000-07:00

Then turning from them, reverent,
"their bed time it is", she said
"the bumblebees will wake them
when april woods are red."

emily dickinson

i would like to reach out my hand

2010-06-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

SO I DID IT SUE ME! things i miss times like tonight. not in any chronological order, though i love timelines. what i remember is, "you know what they say about the young". when she called me from the concert so i could hear sleeping lessons and i cried.

listening to django

s ; t ; u ; p ; i ; d ;

2010-06-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

i cant/stand/people who lose/their/heads

you lost/your/head

you lost it

typewriter tip tip tip tip tip tip tip tip

2010-06-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a really reassuring day, it was just like the same day i had on ALMOST the same exact date last year, except i wasn't in 95% purple, and there was a slight difference in location and those present but it was essentially the same and the same people and it was really happy and nice. i got a call from alex julia apres lecole when i was reading Anna Karenina with popcorn outside and ten minutes later got on my bike. this morning i woke up pretty early after an odd, suggestive dream, and then i fell asleep and another completely different but also suggestive dream. the first dream took place in a very bright clear day and in the second it was always black and raining. these past 24 hours have been good ones, and i love having so many plans/addresses that i have to write them all down. my goal of 30 pages a day for Anna has not been completely filled, but i think it is a-okay. i still listen to good intentions paving company too much for my own good, though :c ive been thinking a lot about the man who tried to make the happiness machine in dandelion wine. also: when one person is consistently present in dreams, what does that mean?!

"official bombay, bone and boat saturday"
listening to regina spektor, the gories, pogo and of course joanna

2010-06-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

zach condon's voice makes me really just upset. that reminds me:

"Like a good coffee, these Titanian dunes are dark and rich."

2010-06-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

"somewhere in time a child is convinced that his little fingers and his face between them are rays from the sun there for everyone to fight off the night"

do you ever have those days where you don't really use a cell phone or a television or computer or whatever the fuck everyone uses and you do things outside and you might be a little dirty and it's sunny and you do other things like read or feed the pets or go grocery shopping or make a painting and feel "okay" about it or mend a small rip in some shorts and the day feels a lot more full even if you might go to bed twice as earlier, and then while you're in bed (earlier) you start to think about how empty some days are and how full this one day is and then you think about why that is? and how you went to bed earlier because the day was done and you could feel the finish drying with sleep?

another feeling, i always know it is summer when i come home and i walk up the stairs and i can feel the heat everywhere on me. as we r i s e like bread. and so you see, i have to laugh. it's sort of funny when i look back at old pictures of myself from weeks or months ago and then i think "my gosh my bangs were short" or something else about how different i looked and how i didn't see so until that moment, and in the moment the photo captured how i didn't see that i was different from even longer before, or up to that present time. SO UNAWARE. to laugh, sometimes, quelquefois, when my peau must have been slightly colder

(today was a fairly empty day, but i did discover in a new tea length dress i have, the inside hem is stitched with lace; the inside hem, so it's just like a secret) "denying his poetry to the public is his way of getting back at the world"

full stomach

HOLD IT;

2010-06-06T21:00:00.001-07:00

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2010-06-05T20:00:00.000-07:00

it seems the quietest at first. it always feels so much quieter than it really is

2010-06-05T14:19:00.001-07:00

"weary memory"

2010-06-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

birthday card for dad. drinking hot earl grey with milk and brown sugar and then
off to s l e e p, to s e a

"like heath that, in the wilderness,
the wild wind whirls away."
want
edit: did beck get the idea for the name of his album Sea Change from ernest hemingway's short story, with that same title?

2010-05-31T20:19:00.000-07:00

oh but you see then it's something new you've never known that you now only know with one person and it becomes special. i found something that tells you how you can practice lucid dreaming, and i realized it's almost strange, however common, because when you think of it how can you lucid dream by mistake? it's so so interesting and bizarre and nice. it's like being trapped in a bon place. on the plane i had so many lucid dreams, and they have developed such an odd pattern lately. dreaming is like knowing and not knowing for me it's very confusing but very assuring and oy. roo roo. another thing, coincidences, and fate, and other things of that nature: i have been recently thinking today and tonight about all of this, and things i have not known, and things, and pan's labyrinth, and lucid dreaming, and just now i read tonight that guillermo del toro got the idea for pan's labyrinth from lucid dreams he had when he was a child. i feel like that always used to happen to me when i was really little, i looked for coincidences everywhere and i always found them, or they always found me

you like me
more than you think

you do too

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pan_(mythology)

ives

2010-05-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

way up yonder above the sky a bluebird lived in a jaybirds eye
buckeye jim you can't go go weave and spin you can't go buckeye jim
way up yonder above the moon a bluejay nest in a silver spoon
buckeye jim you can't go go weave and spin you can't go buckeye jim
way down yonder in wooden trough an old woman died of a whoopin cough
buckeye jim you can't go go weave and spin you can't go buckeye jim
way down yonder in a hollow log a redbird danced with a green bullfrog
buckeye jim you can't go go weave and spin you can't go buckeye jim

cmere

2010-05-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

i get my self worked up into a state where i have these rushy thoughts and i shake my hands and hop like i'm on hot coals and i have thoughts like "i miss everything i try but i can't i try but i can't i'm trying" really these things get repeated over and over again literally i repeat things like i'm touching a hot faucet and you jump UP UGH when i see old things that i have said or look over all the old conversations i saved ( there are so many like five per person) and think wow this was so great i wish that could happen again. it is too strange to leave a place or a state of yourself and then return, completely the same as if you had never left. it's just as if you never made a ripple with your oar even though it dipped into the water over and over and over. old birds. once in a while i write long posts that are very reminiscent of something but i think that everyone just thinks that exact same way all the time, in long reminiscent paragraphs. "i love you and you're my best friend and you can tell me anything." "i used to be so honest." really i just don't want to have to come back and be here and things seeming untouched but then all of these wavvvves crash about and then there is so much to learn and study and do and write. you can't just carry your entire world around with you wherever you go because there isn't room for change if you do that. and when you leave sometimes maybe it's good to change. i think partly the reason i shake my hands and get jumpy is because i feel like everyone can hear and see everything i'm remembering, thinking, or dreaming, and i shake my head to get rid of the thoughts really i SHAKE MY HEAD, shake it grab my head stomp my feet i'll be sitting in math looking over and grabbing my face to try and focus. and they come back like ghosts, new things, or old, like ghosts and just taunt me. maybe not taunt, but haunt, or something a little more pleasant, but exist, there for everyone to see. so maybe i wear my heart on my sleeve but not my HEART, but my emotions and thoughts, i feel like i emote very obviously. this is not a good thing. i have a friend who jumps every time she gets excited, it's not even annoying or childish or anything it's just a natural occurance, when she tells a story or agrees or identifies with something she jumps and claps even sometimes and it makes me so happy. and then she sort of coils again. it's the coolest thing, what a wonderment

i k n o w y o u

lawlessness

2010-05-26T14:07:00.001-07:00

ANYWAY

it was clear

2010-05-19T21:22:00.000-07:00

everything is too connected for my liking tonight.
see you in napa

"those old birds"

ch ch

2010-05-18T20:36:00.001-07:00

i think it's the realization that never more will you be seeing them, or experiencing the same things again, or feeling and thinking the same since they aren't there any more, and feeling empty, a little more empty each time. full or sparse, they're there [we agree] and when they're gone their memory isn't a brevity any more, or their existence by your side. while it was once a subconscious knowing that they'll always be there. and when they aren't; then they aren't. but then i always begin to wonder whether i grieve for myself or the dead. "isn't it selfish" to cry and say "i didn't get to say goodbye" and think of "all the things you won't have any longer, what you'll miss, how sad it makes you". while i know we can be sad for the wrong reasons for the sake of others, i know that this time isn't one of them.

i only wish i could have fed her another apple in her day

hop along

2010-05-17T17:48:00.001-07:00

"now it's october and all those people, they're gone, gone, gone"

2010-05-16T14:49:00.001-07:00

2010-05-16T14:29:00.003-07:00

my hair is red

ggggg

2010-05-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

how dependable. there's an elephant around my wrist and a huge owl around my neck. which reminds me, mom told me that she thinks our cat is a reincarnated owl, and then my dad said the same thing, and then looking through our eastern birdwatcher's book. this morning i found my pulse and kept touching it all day and sometimes i would have to stop because it felt too interesting or something that shouldn't be touched all the time and i was getting scared too, it feels fairly very strange if you touch it for too long! it is so neat to feel though, especially when you feel the pulse on your wrist at the same time as under the corner of your jaw bone, it's just two tiny movements perfectly coordinating and in sync, keeping everything secret everything home free. how dependable we are, no wonder our bodies are like locked boxes, we can't be trusted
"i have spent all my life seeking all that is still unsung"

"everyone knows that custer died at little big point. but what this book presupposes is, maybe he didn't"

edit: i JUST REALIZED that i am now thinking the reason i leave so many things unfinished isnt because i'm afraid of endings, but because not finishing things tends to be the way i finish things. regardless of the mode, things still end

(the last one is mine, and it's a little bit "old")

2010-05-11T19:01:00.000-07:00

"what makes winters lonely? now at last i know"
edit: i just cracked my back and there were so many sounds and when i straightened up i felt so much better. come to think of it, yesterday, for about twenty minutes of french i spent massaging my neck. i think i made it worse that time, but i digress. listening to chet baker and davis my boys

squint skyward and listen

2010-05-09T18:01:00.000-07:00

"it wandered along in curves and easy angles, swayed off and up in a pleasant tangent to the top of a small hill, ambled down again between fringes of bee-hung clover, and then cut sideways across a meadow. here its edges blurred. it widened and seemed to pause, suggesting tranquil, bovine picnics: slow chewing and thoughtful contemplation of the infinite. and then it went on again and came at last to the wood. but on reaching the shadows of the first trees, it veered sharply, swung out in a wide arc as if, for the first time, it had reason to think where it was going, and passed around.

"On the other side of the wood, the sense of easiness dissolved. the road no longer belonged to the cows. it became, instead, and rather abruptly, the property of people..."
(from Tuck Everlasting)

dig for victory

2010-05-07T16:27:00.000-07:00

when i have to explain "idiopathic thrombocytopenia" usually it sounds like a lot bigger of a deal when it really isnt, aka i just happen to have low blood platelets, so i couldn't donate blood today, and when i came home i found out that the horse has a tumour, which i felt really bad about. other than the out of blue, odd things that have been happening lately, i'm almost finished Atonement, my dad is mowing the lawn, there are three bandaids on three fingers on account of pricking and collecting, i feel very constrained, and my lips sting red

i feel i see everything

2010-05-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

tired awake tired tired awake tired awake awake false waking. bare shoulders, you curl, press, knead, pound, delicately into a fine softness and bake bake bake. threadbare seams of fingernails pull and extend and grow and grow and grow until they swirl in front of your eyes and spell things out to enable seeing, quickly hands become idle and ideas come. two cherries, cut in half, rub them on your cheeks and fall purposely on your face in the face of everything, the grass, "the meadow at dusk", until your nose hurts, and pull up when you can breathe again with tears in your eyes see everything

annie hall

2010-05-01T15:20:00.001-07:00

"Never something you do, that's how people are, love fades"

contender

2010-04-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

"everything is more complicated than you think. you only see a tenth of what is true. there are a million little strings attached to every choice you make, you can destroy your life every time you choose. but maybe you won't know for twenty years, and you may never trace it to its source, and you only get one chance to play it out. just try and figure out your own divorce. and they say there is no fate, but there is; it's what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons you're only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. but while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call, or a letter, or a look from someone or something to make it all right. and it never comes. or it seems to, but it doesn't really. and so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along. something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel whole, something to make you feel loved. and the truth is, i feel so angry. and the truth is i feel so fucking sad, and the truth is i've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long i've been pretending i'm okay, just to get along, just for.. i don't know why. maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery. because they all have their own. well, fuck everybody. Amen."

-synecdoche new york

i have to sleep downstairs again

2010-04-25T20:32:00.001-07:00

"where is fancy bread? in the heart, or in the head?"
found, while i was painting

2010-04-22T18:13:00.001-07:00

2010-04-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

j'ai seize ans

however vast the darkness, we must supply our own light

2009-12-22T18:17:00.001-08:00

"you look like christopher robin with that bandaid on your knee." -my dad
my work here is done. i'll see you at the ball, one day again

it's ringing you to hell

2009-12-12T15:15:00.000-08:00

because that isn't who you are. i read things out loud and it sounds like they affect me so much and i'm getting extremely emotional about them but it's only because i get so tired after reading a few words. by tired i mean out of breath. since i'm a baby and everything.and i have to read everything out loud.

les marionnettes

2009-12-09T19:03:00.000-08:00

today i came home and drank hot drinks and put on my dad's red coat and went to sleep. on a side note in rudolph the movie when yukon cornelius falls off the edge of the cliff with the abomidable snow monster i always think of when Gandalf falls off the edge of that stone thing with that big dragon. i should probably stop relating everything to lotr. also why are there girls that are fans of "women should not have rights" on facebook? moreover, why do things like this exist? the world may never know

midnight surrounds you and the moonlight makes you proud

sentence structure

2009-12-09T15:58:00.001-08:00

"It doesn't matter to me where you go."

try to remember always

2009-11-29T18:47:00.001-08:00

i love the word "her" so much. it's so intimate.
why is everyone so happy without me? wait up guys